im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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