hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
