Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
