Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
