when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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