WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
