NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
