life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Randomize
