Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
