i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
