I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
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I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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