Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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