you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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