Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
