is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
