i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
