I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
