Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
