if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
