Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
