Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
