apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
