Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
