doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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