Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
