final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
