You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
