Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Acid is not a monday night drug
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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