Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
