Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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