Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
