Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
