a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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