btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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