Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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