If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
