Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
