gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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