I didn't shave. On purpose
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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