i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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