To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
