I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
