oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
