haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
