i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
is wine microwaveable?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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