You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
