I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
