so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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