Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
