He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
