Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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