I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I could fuck to npr.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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