The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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