I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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