When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
