I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
