I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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