Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes