ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
